Do you love yourself?

Learning to love yourself isn't easy -- especially if you're a survivor of childhood abuse or neglect. But there are things you can do to boost your self-love.


Ask for a list of things people like about you.

Sometimes it can be hard to find things we like or love about ourselves. So -- ask other people to tell you all the things they like about you. Ask a friend, a lover, a therapist. This isn't a replacement for your own love; it's a first step in learning to love yourself. You may need to hear the things other people like about you before you can value them in youself.

If hearing what people like about you is hard, ask your friends to write it down for you, or leave it on your voice mail, so you can read/listen to it over and over. Go back to it as many times as you can. Even if you don't believe that someone can like a particular thing about you, or you don't believe it exists, trust that your friend does see it and value it.

When you start to hear critical voices inside your head, go back to those things your friend said/wrote about you, and remember that you are loved.



Make a list of the things you like about yourself.
Make a list of all the things you like about yourself. Be as honest as you can. Modesty doesn't help you here; neither do old critical messages. If you're having trouble finding things you value about yourself, think about the things you value and love in your friends, then see if those things exist inside you, too. Most often, they do.


Fill a special notebook with your list, or create a set of cards. Make the notebook as beautiful as you can -- make it something that makes you feel good when you look at it. Then open it up and look at it any time you're feeling down or critical about yourself, or any time anyone says anything that triggers your criticalness of yourself.

Look at this good-things-about-yourself book as frequently as you can. It may seem silly, but repetition really does make a difference. (Just think of the impact one critical phrase said by a parent over and over to a child can have. It really does have an effect! Now try to give that child inside you at least one truly loving phrase about yourself that s/he can hold on to.)



Make it part of your daily routine to praise something in yourself or think about something you like about yourself.

In this society, we're taught that praising ourselves is selfish and wrong. But praising ourselves for things that are good about ourselves only helps us. It is a healing thing to do, something that nourishes our self-worth. When we love ourselves, we're happier and more true to our own selves...and that happiness and ability to be free spreads to others.


So...try to think of something that you like about yourself, or something that you did today that made you or someone else feel good -- no matter how small it may seem. Give yourself the kind of warm praise that you would a friend.



Love yourself like a friend
Close your eyes and think of a person you deeply love and trust, and who you know loves you-- a friend, a lover. Think about all the things you love and appreciate about them. Notice how that love feels inside you, how it makes you feel good.

Now turn it around the other way -- be your friend, feeling that same deep love for you. Trust in their love for you, and just feel it. Let yourself see your self through gentle eyes, with compassion and love the way your friend does, even if you can only do it for a moment. Now let yourself receive that love, the love you have as a friend to yourself. Feel the warmth move through you. Remember how it feels, and come back to that love another time.



Make a note every time someone says something nice about you.
Every time someone tells you something about yourself that makes you feel good, write it down or make a mental note and jot it down later. When you get home, put that note in a container of "good things about me." Decorate the container however you like. Keep on adding notes, and read them over every time you need a little boost -- and even when you don't feel like you do.



Have compassion for yourself.
If you're feeling really judgemental about something you've done or said, try to understand where the judgement is coming from. Not the immediate, surface answer, but an answer deep down inside you. Are you afraid of something, or are you feeling insecure? Do you think you did something "wrong," or are you hearing the judgement of a voice from your past? Try to connect to that little kid inside of you who's feeling that way, and really listen to how s/he's feeling. Hug and reassure that kid, and let her/him know that s/he didn't do anything wrong, and that you love her/him.

You can also think of a friend having acted as you did. Imagine how you'd feel towards them -- how you'd still love them and readily forgive them if there was anything to forgive. You probably wouldn't even find it bothersome! Try to feel that same love and compassion for yourself.



Recognize that the love has to come from you.
If you're a survivor of child abuse or come from a dysfunctional family, you may still be waiting for a parent to give you the love and acceptance you never got as a child. But the kind of love you need (or needed as a child) probably isn't going to come from a parent who abused you or who looked the other way while you were being abused. But it can come from yourself.


It can be hard to give it to yourself at first -- after all, if you didn't receive love as a child, or if some of that love was torn away from you by violence, self-hate may have built up inside you. But you have the courage and strength to love yourself, if you've survived this long. And you do deserve it!

So try to connect to that little child inside, that child who deserves all of your love and acceptance.



Use Affirmations
I know, I know, this sounds corny. But if you hear good things about yourself over and over, you can't help but have some of it sink in.


Write out strong, loving things to say to yourself, even if you don't fully believe them. Some examples are:


"I utterly and completely deserve love and kindness,"


"I am a very loveable person,"


"I am kind, compassionate, intelligent, and wise." (or subsitute the words for loving words that you feel best suit you.

Now put up those affirmations in places you'll see them every day -- on the fridge, on the bathroom mirror, on your bedside table, next to your favourite chair, on the kitchen wall next to where you cook your food or eat a meal. Don't forget to read them.

If you're not comfortable having them up in such public places, then write out a bunch of them (or copies of a few) and put them in places you'll find them -- in your jacket or jeans pocket, in a book you're reading or a favourite book, in your desk drawer, in with your clothes. They're little love notes to yourself. In fact, you may want to do both things -- have them up and also hidden in places where you'll find them.

When you read an affirmation, read it slowly, and really let yourself feel it. Don't just say it by rote. Try to let yourself be there as fully as you can.



Recognize Self-Critical Messages -- and Talk to Them
It's easy to let old, critical voices and messages that we heard as a child play over and over in our minds, without stopping them. Often we may barely recognize that they are there, or we don't really listen to them, we've heard them so often -- but they continue to impact how we feel and think about ourselves.

Try noticing next time you hear a small (or very loud) voice inside your head criticize you. Be aware of what it is saying to you, and try to talk to it. Ask it why it feels it needs to say those things. Is that part of you trying to protect you, in some child-like logic? Or perhaps that part of you felt it had to take on the messages you heard as a kid. Remind that part of you that you no longer need to do that to survive. You are free to make up your own mind about yourself.




Counteract Negative or Critical Thoughts About Yourself
Write down all the negative or critical thoughts and messages you hear inside your head. See if you can figure out who first said them to you (or said something of that nature). Then write out a response that counteracts each of those messages, one by one. Make the counter messages as strong and loving as you can.

If you're having trouble writing out counter messages, see if you can connect to a deep, wise part inside of you. Or write out what you would say to a friend if a friend said those things about her/himself.



Do Comforting and Nurturing Things For Yourself
Allow yourself to do comforting and nurturing things for yourself. Let yourself feel how good you feel when you do those things -- and tell yourself that you deserve to feel that way, to feel good. Gradually you'll find that the more nurturing and comforting times you have, the more you'll seek them out -- and they will help build a good feeling inside you.


Ask Yourself What You Need to Do
Some of these things will work really well for you, while others may not quite fit you. So try taking a moment to get quiet, and ask yourself, "What can I do to help myself feel more compassion and love toward myself?" Don't force an answer -- just let the answer bubble up from inside you. If you find it hard to hear the answer that way, try writing out your question, and then your answer. See what you come up with. You know best what works for you -- and you have great wisdom inside you.





Above all -- have compassion for yourself and for where you're at. Remember that you are a truly loveable person -- and that you deserve only kind treatment, especially from yourself. :)



© C. Rainfield, 2001

Appreciation in Action

Column By Mike Robbins
-----------------------
It's not what we know it's what we do that matters!


Many of us have brilliant ideas and/or learn amazing new concepts all the time. However, until we put these insights into action they have no impact on our lives. Appreciation
is often one of these "insights."


Most of us know how important it is to appreciate ourselves and others, and to live with an attitude of gratitude. However, knowing about the importance of appreciation and
acting in an appreciative way are two totally different things.


Here are a few simple and powerful actions you can take on a regular basis to increase your personal level of appreciation and that of those around you:


5 Simple Acts of Appreciation:


1) Write heartfelt thank you notes: In today's fast-paced world of email, cell phones, instant messages, and more, the power of a hand-written, thank you note is immeasurable.


Each week pick out at least one person in your life you would like to acknowledge. Sit down and write a heartfelt thank you note to that person and send it to them in the
mail -- yes, the "snail mail." See how they respond. They will love it and so will you.


One week, write the note to yourself and send it in the mail to your home. You will not believe how good it feels to get that card in the mail.


2) Use a "gratitude" journal: A gratitude journal is a place where you write down things that you are grateful for, what you are proud of, and all the positive stuff that is happening in your life.


This journal is a safe place for you to express your gratitude, about yourself and your life, on a regular basis.
Regardless of our circumstances, there are always things to be grateful for. And, the more attention we focus on being grateful, the more we have to be grateful for. It is amazing how this works.


3) Compliment people: Make a commitment to go out of your way to "catch people doing things right" and let them know about it. We always find what we look for and if we look for the greatness in others, we will find it.


Once we find that greatness, we then have a choice about whether or not to share it with them. It sometimes takes courage on our part, but when we acknowledge other people (in a genuine way), not only do we create a win-win situation; we actually encourage more of the behavior, attitudes, and/or attributes that we appreciate in them.


4) When people compliment you, say "thank you" and then shut your mouth: The irony about appreciation is that most of us are starving for it and many of us are horrible at accepting it.


The best example of this is how awkward and weird people often get when they are complimented. Even if you feel funny or uncomfortable when people compliment you, simply say "thank you" and then shut up.


Whatever you say after that (a self-deprecating joke, a quick complimentary response, etc.) is often a way of avoiding the appreciation and/or deflecting the compliment.


Just like a birthday present, say "thank you" and accept the gift (compliment) that is being giving to you. The better you become at receiving compliments, the more you will get.


5) Start and end meetings with appreciation: When you get together with other people for a business meeting, a family dinner, an informal gathering, a team session, or anything else, one of the best things you can do is to start and end the meeting with appreciation.


At the beginning, have people talk for a few minutes about what is working, what is going well, and what they are excited or happy about. This starts the meeting off on a positive note. At the end, take a few minutes for acknowledgments. Allow people to compliment each other, thank one another, point out strengths, and focus on what is being accomplished.


Starting and ending meetings with appreciation makes everyone feel better about themselves, the work that is being done, and about the group as a whole.


These are just a few simple examples of the many actions we can take to increase our personal level of appreciation and that of the people around us. Now the million-dollar question is, what will you actually do?